Goodnight to/Good Mourning for
Sekou Sundiata

"...And what if we could
show that what we dream is deeper than what we know?..."
--Sekou Sundiata from the 51st (dream) state

i google him when the news first comes. i need something, someone, somewhere to tell me that elmaz is mistaken. that her information is somehow wrong. that sekou is not gone.

but there is nothing. and i cannot find the pictures we took with him the last time he read/worked with the austin project. i hold the memories of meeting him and walking in the dream state of his work. i don't think there was a time that i felt i was not enriched/changed by his presence. for that... thank you, sekou.

so many words swim in my head, so many poems creating themselves. but i don't want to fuck them up by writing them down. i want them to keep living. i don't feel equipped in this moment to express what i am feeling in an exquisite, deserving way. it is all too overwhelming. and i have no space for ascent into the beauty of what i learned from sekou nor the decent into the places of anguish that are lurking in the periphery of this day, this mourning of his passing. the kids in my house, mine and other people's, will not stop needing and the phone will not stop ringing. my knees are shaking under it all and i want to buy a candle in memory of his light. i need air. all of these children will not fit in my car so we walk to the park. i want to pick flowers on the way there but then i would be no better than the thing that clipped his life. so i admire them and look forward to seeing them on my journey home. i am overly aware of life and living. the trees. the birds. these flowers all reaching for/looking to the sky, face to the sun. these poems in my head are demanding attention but there are a group of shirtless, football passing Black boys in the park that are laughing and calling each other nigganigganiggabitchassnigga and i can't concentrate. i scribble a few words in my journal, even graffiti sekou's name because it's all i can manage. the boys, whose mothers (i am certain) would not appreciate the joy and volume of their words. i want to scold them or hold them or take them somewhere safer than this park where gavels sound in the eyes of all of homeowners and their white classmates parents. my daughter notices my annoyance with them and the sorrow just under my skin. she frets, "are you going to say something? please don't, mom." and i don't. and i take her and my son and my nephew and my niece and three neighbor girls away before they witness the ugly and the nigganigganigganiggabitchassnigga coming from these beautiful mouths.
i am in search of the journal filled with notes form his talks and the poem with the line about pigeons being better politicians (because they indiscriminately shit on everyone). i am grateful for it all. so much in so little time. so much. i hope he knew. i hope he knows.

if you've never heard (of) him or experienced his work, go to http://www.multiartsprojects.com/artist_index.php?artistid=11&sectionid=196
or go to youtube.com and search for the video of him from his appearance on HBO's Def Poetry Jam.

with gratitude and profound respect... (sekou, thank you. i wish you infinite joy. i pray for your family. i am changed by your mentorship, faith, activism, commitment, love, humanity, example.)

shia shabazz

i invite your comments/memories/experiences of Sekou and his work, in tribute...

Hi-Ho-MASTER CLEANSE... AWAY!!!

thank you, val and nina for your wonderfully encouraging words. i am, in fact, back on the horse and feeling very good about it. i can do this. i can do this. i can, i can, i can!!!

since i missed the saline wash yesterday morning (each morning this week, in fact) i took it last night at like 10:30pm and WHOA!!!

Advice: if you drink the salt water at night, do it at least 3 hours before bed so your system can completely flush and find rest again.

INT. SHIA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shia positions herself upright, reads books, paints her nails, and does everything she can think of to stay awake. Nothing works. She drifts off.

The rumblings of her stomach sound like a small monster encaged under her bed. She suddenly jumps up, runs to the toilet, just in time!

again and again, that’s what my night was like before i crashed.

the kids are with their dad this weekend so i’m sure it’ll be a lot easier since i won’t have to prepare food for them. as long as i can make it through these last two work days (of leftovers from meetings and the fluffy, iced baked goods coworkers have made) i’ll be all good. i think i’ll continue the cleanse through thursday next week. cuz friday… (at the Salute to African American Writers: Celebration and tea event [www.saawaustin.com]), i have a date with a nice decadent slice of fudge cake.

*smooches*
shia

Master Cleanse: Day ??? insert... foot... in... mouth…
does that count as food?

so… what had happened was…

the cleanse was going great… my energy has been up… my skin looks good... i can fit in that pair of pants again... but 5 days in, my body had the definitive week that, on a monthly basis, defines me “woman”… and the cravings went wild and the discipline was out the window! and there were plenty of sympathetic women who understood that the salad and the tiramisu were necessary for my sanity… never mind cooking the fish sticks and the french fries, the broccoli and the spaghetti and the tacos and the roast beef sandwiches and the pancakes and the etc's every night for my children while restricting myself to morning saline solutions, sucking down lemonade for lunch and snacks and knocking back smooth moves tea every night… because when chipotle, your favorite burrito joint, says to bring in a can of food and they’ll give you a free burrito, you go… no questions asked… and you get a burrito bol (a burrito sans the tortilla)… and you get burritos for your kids and you eat with them like a family should… even though you learn that evening that all this means—this, the grapes and crackers and salad and burrito and tiramisu—this means that you have to do the entire cleanse over again because you can’t clean this new food out of your system in any less than the ten days, even though you’ve already lost six pounds and your mind!

breathing… breathing…

on the road again… i need to go back and read my own encouraging words. interestingly, though, i’ve gotten so many compliments on how great i am looking and how my skin is glowing. no coffee and i actually have energy. (imagine that.) of course, i just now look up and see a woman with a disposable starbucks cup. see how i attracted that cup of coffee? i feel good. i just want to do my body good and prove to myself that i am actually capable of 10 days of discipline.

oh! i have been participating in script frenzy which is a challenge for screenwriters to pump out a 20,000 word screenplay in 30 days. if you want to check it out, go to www.scriptfrenzy.org. i am a few words under 3000 into the task (almost done with act 1) and feeling extremely proud of myself. maybe my cleanse hasn’t been completely successful to date (until now) but i’ve been writing on this new script every day and it feels amazing!

and the countdown to my 2.5-week vacation in cali is on. 12 days and counting…

onward and upward…

shia

Master Cleanse: Day 3
Still Grooven!

okay... per nina's comment on my previous post, and those of a bunch of other people who've unsuccessfully attempted this cleanse, i feel blessed to report that i am having a perfect time and i'm not sure what to make of it. (GO ASHLEY! i wish you and your friend all the best. believe you can do it and you will.)

i skipped the internal saltwater bath this morning because the temp agency called and i had a job today. (i'd hate to go in and be running to the bathroom all morning... or WORSE.) anyway, my plan is to do the gruesome deed shortly, intake 1-2 more lemonades, and drink my Smooth Moves before bed. my energy is great. last night, i battled a headache but i think that's been the worst REAL challenge of it.

the rest has been psychological. the foods i smell that inspire desires and cravings. the times of day i would usually eat this or that. cooking for my kids and not tasting or eating any of their leftovers. i never knew i had such discipline! but sipping tea all day makes it so much easier. it makes it hard to rationalize why i'd eat anything when i am really not feeling hungry. so now, i realize all of the lies i've told myself about what foods i need and when i'm "starving." in fact, i'm not sure i'll ever use that word again.

in this moment, i'm grateful. for strength. the focus. for food. for the blessing that this cleanse, this non-eating is a choice.

a bit of advice, post day 3: STILL don't trust anything that feels like gas. It's likely more than that.

all Love, from an internally CLEANER...
shia

bodylicious! the master cleanse
lemonade never tasted so good!

on sunday, i celebrated the victory that i had been a finalist for the moviemaker "big money" scholarship. i also mourned the ultimate loss in that i was not the winner. (who needs canada anyway.) i had brunch with manda (one of my favorite people in the entire world) at our favorite french spot. (crepes romanoff... magnifique!) later, i ate my favorite peanut butter cookie from whole foods and had my last cup of cafe au lait at genuine joe. that night, i came home and wrote the following affirmation as i drank my first cup of Smooth Move tea in preparation for my 10-day Master Cleanse:

"in the space of 10 days, as i perform a Master Cleanse of my physical body, i intend to manifest wonderful things in my physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, career and intellectual worlds. all things will come about with undying Faith and Joy, effortlessly, consistently, graciously, abundantly and in ABSOLUTELY perfect ways."

a few bits of advice should you decide to take this journey:

1. 
   write an affirmation or find a scripture, inspirational text or quote that you can read for support and empowerment through this. it really helps.
2. 
   do plenty of research. maybe start with a google search on "master cleanse" like i did, where you can find sites like my faves:
   http://www.geocities.co.jp/Beautycare-Venus/2032/english/master_cleanser.html,
   http://yestheyrefake.net/lemonade_diet_cleanse_journal.htm and http://www.falconblanco.com/health/cleansing/lemoncleanse.htm
3. 
   finally... if you ever run into my bestest friend charla, don't ever refer to it as the beyonce cleanse, considering the practice has been around long before beyonce and her bootyliciousness were conceived.

so far, it's been pretty easy. the internal salt water bath which preceeds each day's strict lemonade diet is the worst part. but once i made it through the initial intake and repeated release--yes, i said REPEATED release-- (which all happens in about the first hour of the process), the rest of the day was a breeze... physically. my only real angst has been getting to sleep these last couple of nights (maybe havin something to do with the tea moving in my system) but my sleep, once achieved, has been very restful.

this is (obviously) MUCH easier than Ramadan (Al-Humduli-lah) but i had the same psychological/emotional, hand-to-mouth, chew-your-food challenge. i keep smelling all of these smells that i associate with other sensations and satisfactions. so now, i am using those times for playing with my children, meditation, focus on clarifying goals and my intentions in the world, on screenplays and poems i have yet to write.

i am just finished my second day's first 10oz cup of lemonade. (it's very good.) on to mediation and the day's work.

onward and upward!
shia
also posted on www.myspace.com/groovenbuttafly